Of Silence

I am wrapped in echoes of silence. Renowned as tranquil, in this particular moment the sound of silence is deafening. I attempt to escape but I am numb.

I close my heavy eyes trying to deceive my ears in earnest. If I cannot see, then perhaps this piercing loudness can wither away. I sigh. Like slow morning sunshine seeps into a room, I breathe in all the colors of life.  Though when I open my eyes, I see the colors blend into hues of black and white. Darkness has become my only sun. I wonder how can sunshine make me burn inside.

Suddenly a curtain descends in front of my eyes. It traps all of my senses. A wave of emotions crashes into me. I’m shattered into a million little pieces. Instinctively, I look around. Everything appears the same. Even though I realize it is all so different.

What I see in front of me is nothing I want to embrace.

I’m paralyzed.

Small incoherent thoughts begin to cloud my head.

What is this?

Why is this?

Why me?

Why now?

Why again?

When will it go away?

There’s a crack in my soul; it tugs at me in all the wrong places. I can feel the void. The taste of bitterness contains me. I’m drowning. My broken soul cannot drift to the distant shore of hope.

Irony of ironies is how emptiness can hurt, how nothingness can cause pain.

A cage of sadness traps my tears in words I cannot say.

I scream in silence. 

Never thought your love would take me here

Never thought you’d feel you must leave

Never thought your love would burn me

Never thought I’d lose the one thing I truly believe

~ misteca

On Painted Faces

We state as a matter of fact that we can never really know someone. It’s only when it dawns on you that you’re included in the context of that phrase – as the party that doesn’t really know – that you tend to become more attentive. Suddenly the phrase becomes an eye-opener.

Everyone wears a mask at one point in their lives. It’s inevitable. Some people wear masks year round. There’s the perfectionist, the know-it-all, the life of the party dude who craves attention, and the universally famous back-stabbing jerk. A classic mask is I’m-a-nice-guy, and the most clichéd one is I’m-a-soft-and-delicate girl.

Some masks are more subtle though. Kids become irresistibly charming when they set their minds on getting something they want, or they can be a real pain and cry non-stop. We often put a fake smile on our faces and act like nothing is wrong. We hide behind a concerned face, and make people believe we’re listening.

Why do we wear those masks?
Why is it difficult for us to say what we want?
Why can’t we just be?
Are the masks imposed on us?

The most common explanation for wearing masks is self protection. We sense the need for shelter. Masks help us build our own defenses. They can give us power, or at least the illusion of power, at times when we feel powerless. Even an angry voice can elicit a tough exterior. Sometimes we wear a mask to shield ourselves from getting hurt. We’ve been proverbially attacked countless times from acts of asfana. (asfana is Egyptian slang to mean betrayal/back-stabbing)

We’re born into the world naked and exposed, totally vulnerable and dependent on people around us. Masks change appearances and disguise our weaknesses. With our mask, we forge a display of confidence. We claim to master skills to handle things, we don’t need anyone and we don’t need any help. We appear self reliant and we feel safe.

We also wear masks to hide flaws that embarrass us, and imperfections we’re ashamed of. We paint ourselves a prettier face to the world, covering up the true us out of fear. We fear rejection and we fear someone will make fun of us for what we believe, what we think or how we feel. We try to flaunt what we do not possess. We desperately try to fit in. The need to belong exerts pressure on us. We’re struggling with insecurities.

A mask gives us an opportunity to become something more attractive. We pretend to be a make-believe version of our character, one with the right attitude and intellect. We relish the occasion to impress; especially on a crowd whose approval we yearn for. We like to think the mask is our truth; we rejoice in the evanescent glee a mask affords us.

Some people wear masks to hide from themselves. They can never show their true side to anyone. From experiencing a history of withheld warmth and love, a bankruptcy of thoughts and feelings is their prominent characteristic. They have grown up to harbor negative beliefs about themselves, such as ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’m ugly’ or ‘I’m a failure’. They keep their engraved beliefs hidden because they don't want anyone to know. They build an emotional barrier. They make sure that nothing about them sparks interest in others to get to know them. They try to fade and become just another face in the crowd.

Then there are the affairs of the heart with our significant other. Many people feel compelled to wear masks with their partners. They cannot risk the loss and break up. They recall a few times when they dared to say the truth, and were left - much too often - with an inane remark or a moment of awkward silence, and an immediate regret that they had not kept their mouths shut.

Girls and guys alike often create an image of themselves that is far from the person they actually are. They put on a mask that shows their partner a different face, with an exceptional personality altogether. They feign interests. They play a part they dislike only to please and keep their partner. Their actions and words is all pretense. It may be out of love, but when it shapes the relationship it’s no longer sincere. Love is not faking your identity for someone. You’re trapped inside the mask. Some of us burn out from the effort of trying to maintain a façade. We end up missing out on real relationships. They either fall in love with the mask, or we don't let them get close enough to see the real person hidden beneath the mask.

It’s easy to get lost amid a closet-full of masks. Where is the real us? For some of us the reality is the mask. It’s our persona. For others, the reality lies underneath. They prefer to keep it buried.

Which scenario is worse? Losing ourselves to the mask or not being able to cast it away? The bittersweet truth is that there may come a time when we cannot remove a mask without removing some of our own skin. (~ André Berthiaume, Contretemps)

Things are Seldom What They Seem

Drop the attitude. Quit the labeling act. Seriously. Stereotyping is so outdated, it should not be part of our vocabulary.

There's more to every single one of us than meets the eye. When you stick a label on to someone; you're really limiting any kind of experience or interaction you could possibly have. You're eliminating this person from having a voice of their own and using it. You’ve tuned them out completely; or worse you send them suffocating glances of disapproval.

We express ourselves differently. It's how we make sense of things, of who we are, and what we're about. Isn't it our freedom to do that, a given right we have as humans? Sometimes it comes as second nature to tag people into groups, something that's familiar. Sort of mentally categorizing who they are and what they represent. We tend to act according to that labeled category and what we make of it.

This may sound pretty acceptable; even smart in certain situations. It seems savvy to read people and interpret their behavior. Creating boundaries, and placing people where they belong within the walls of those boundaries. It gives you signs of what to do, how to communicate and deal with them, all the way to what topics to completely avoid. You're shaping your relation with them based on it. You decide where to draw the line, getting closer or just staying away - being passionate, supportive, nasty, malicious or condescending. It's all in that label you made.

The grave error in doing this is that we are wrong at times. We judge. We make assumptions. We jump to conclusions. We build up so many non-existing scenarios in our heads that lead us to believe in a truth that is not remotely related to actual reality. We accuse and make a verdict, if only between ourselves. We have little idea, if any, of what actually is real, what those people we label are about. We don’t have all the pieces to the puzzle, something is missing in the picture, but we hardly care to complete it or verify. More importantly I must add, we almost always make our judgments prematurely, presuming way too soon to have all the facts. If I were to give this act a label, it would be ignorant.

Things are seldom what they seem.

There is an odd relationship that exists between people. We're all connected in this universe. All of mankind. It is a small world; no denying that. I'm talking about connections on a totally different level. We are different - we think, act, understand, feel, speak and even look different. We have different beliefs, interests and skills but strangely enough in essence we are really the same. It's like a Venn Diagram. I'm surprising my own self making an analogy to a Mathematical concept. There are two circles that have a number of elements. The circles overlap. That area is common to both because the elements exist in both circles. We have things in common. It's never fully mutually exclusive.

How many times have you caught yourself saying 'I was wrong about so and so, never thought they were like that' . It goes beyond first impressions where some people simply fail to impress. Some labels, some stereotypes exist way before any actual communication takes place. We despise and hold grudges based on labels. A label does not even constitute to a side of the story. It's drastically less . It's a small part of the design on the cover page.

Wouldn’t it be utterly boring if we were all exactly the same? I mean the entire race of Homo sapiens, nothing unique about any one. Maybe you can argue that some cultures are collectivists and others promote grouping. Albeit we all belong. We all belong, to a family, a significant other, to a school, an organization, a sports club, a religion, a political group. We flaunt our talents and create mini groups as well. We have a country we belong to. There are layers and various belief systems that make us up and form our characters and identity.

Malcolm Gladwell , author of the bestselling book Blink, states we have two seconds to make up our mind about people, and things. We rely on our gut feelings, our instinct. We all have our own hunches. While it's perfectly normal and recommended to maintain that attitude going through life, it's the exact opposite when it comes to labeling people. Labeling only allows us to see a single-minded view that the label portrays, which usually stands for an incomplete, inaccurate definition that we create to understand that label.

Let them be. No judging, no stereotyping. We are all fighting battles of enormous magnitude and repercussions. No one needs more toxic air to breathe.

Growing Pains .. Pains Growing

We can't blame the signs this time. This one time, the entire universe is telling us something. Something supposedly magnificant. Endless signs announce its arrival. With bright lights, balloons, candles, lots of cheering, dancing and celebration. All the signs bring along a wonderful feeling of euphoria as well. At that one point though, we are totally unprepared. Clueless and oblivious to everything that lies ahead.

Today marks the day when you turn 18. I'm 18 and, I can drive.

WOOHOO.

We own the world in our hands. I had the world in my hands, sitting behind the steering wheel of my very first car. The excitement of it all. The thrill that you're 18. I got my driver's license even before I got my ID. I was 19 I think when I actually did. Don't ask.
Anyway, it is a big thing. It's huge, it's of massive proportions. It was before. It will be for just about every teenager, the dream of turning 18 and owning an official driver's license.
I know so many teens drive around way before that. Driving isn't the point. The point is you're 18. It's that one calendar day. No other birthday compares. Not a single one. 18 is one of a kind, unique from every angle. You have an official ticket to grown up land. The land of dreams. You feel you are invincible, and you realize the endless possibilities that lay in front of you. You're young, but not a kid. You're full of life, full of energy, and you're 100% sure you can do just about anything you set your mind up to. 'gonna be 18 till I die'. Bryan Adams said it all.

Cue in life.

Now it's your 21st birthday, you're not a minor anymore. 21. That's another major milestone. No longer a teenager, regardless of all the joy and pride of being a teen. This time it's even better. It's exhilirating. Being 21 is another story; and there is luster involved. You're 21. Your opinion counts. The little thoughts forming through your head; they can be voiced. You can make decisions. You've officially become an adult. It sounds very significant. An adult. You can do things on your own. You have a life of your own. You are in control. Done with education, got your degree, and you decide what you want to do. You believe in yourself, and in your dreams. Get a job, begin your professional career. Earn your own living. Make money for yourself. That first paycheck - unforgettable. You can purchase anything your heart desires. You totally rock your world.

Cue in life once again. This time it's stronger than the forces of nature. Life just happens. (no pun intended)

Somewhere along the line; we get taller and older, and realize that our taste in fashion, shoes, chocolate, coffee and so many other unimportant things has changed. We inevitably face the real world out there. We seek and explore. We stumble and fall. We try to paint with all the colors of the wind. We stand up. We stand tall. We kick our fears away. We win some, we lose some. We make believe. We hide behind masks. We follow our hearts. We defy our logic. We ignore those who don't agree with us. We live and learn.

We're growing, and we're expected to be responsible, mature and serious - in one other word, a grown up.
Do we grow up though?
Our thoughts, our troubles, our worries, our problems, they're actually still the same. Some of us are still hanging on to the same dreams.
You could argue that so much changes, nothing stays the same. Some dreams come true, some are abandoned, and new dreams are made. Problems grow, sometimes they intertwine and get more complicated, some problems get resolved, and new problems emerge. We forget what troubled us a few days ago. Nothing is the same.
You're right. Everything changes. Every single thing.Yet in a perplexing and very subtle way, it's still the same. The essence remains the same. There are traces of us in there, back then and right now. We were young. We were naive. Some of even foolish. Now we're older, but are we ever wiser?

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” ~ Anais Nin

There is a Land ...

There is a land, not so far away, which goes by the name Las Procrastinata. It's a beautiful land, with lush greens, rich landscapes, cool blue waters, breath-taking scenery, gorgeous bright sunflowers and so much more for the eyes and soul to feast on. Sounds like a haven. Perfect escape to soothe our troubled minds.

Actually, in this incredibly spectacular land, I am the Queen.
I have an unwavering passion to procrastinate, and I do it ever so creatively. I have the power and unwise wisdom to find endless ways to spend the day doing an infinite number of things.Totally meaningless things, which happen to be very amusing, entertaining, time-consuming and thought provoking. Everything aside from what I need to get done. It is very nourishing to the soul. Never mind the deadlines, the plans you already made, the decisions you really have to think over and well, make, or the reports you need to focus on to prepare. Every single one of those can wait. I am fully engaged in giving new meaning and a world of definitions to wasting time.
And I do have the nerve to plead not guily this time. I do admit, as a Queen, I have truly enjoyed every single indulgence. A clear head, surprisingly, gets things done. As a Queen, I need to ensure my sanity remains -in the chaotic, insane, moving-at-warp-speed-ride we call life.

In reality though, isn't it ironic ( and maybe even an absurd paradox of some sort) how our mind tricks us at these critical times and takes us to other lands, where our wild thoughts run free and breathe, totally carefree, totally oblivious to the price(s) we eventually have to pay?

"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." ~ Christopher Parker

A Natural High

i have a secret.
I've slept like a little over 3 hours in the past 2 days. Nooo! That's not my secret! You'd think I'd be red eyed by now. all blurry and dead tired, walking like a zombie.
am not.
that's my secret.
i was all up nite, last nite, on one major adrenaline rush. literally, every brain cell in my body was wide awake. yup major insomnia! didn't bother me one bit tho. it's like somehow all of a sudden everything fell right back in place. just about everything.
i could breathe. i could smile, and laugh from my heart. i chatted the nite away with a friend, rambling and pondering about a billion things in life. i could've screamed and danced too.
and i felt light. i was light and i was thrilled. i had all those feel good vibes. amazingly ecstatic vibes. the ones that get you excited like a 6 year old when he got that gift that makes his eyeballs pop out.
and i was smiling all nite long.
my smile. the one that really shines my face, and brightens me up all over.
i was me .. misteca! once again.

I was on a natural high. natural intoxication believe it or not.
3mla dema3' wahm bs mn 3'er 7aga khales.

So why is it again that people get stoned? am not judging; it's their brain cells not mine they're killing. rite?

A Wave of Emotions

And suddenly a curtain descends in front of your eyes. It traps your senses. Then a wave of emotions washes over you. Instinctively, you look around you. Everything appears like it was just a moment ago; nothing has changed even though you realize it is all so different now. What you see in front of you is nothing you want to embrace. So you walk away.

You feel an immense weight on your shoulders, slowing you down, holding you back. You sigh. You try to walk determined. There’s no more bounce in your step.

You take another sigh; and breathe in all the colors of life. When you open your eyes though, the colors wither away into hues of black and white. And you know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you lost that sparkle in your eyes. There is no warmth in your smile anymore.

A small thought begins to form in your head. What is this. Why is this? Forget what, just why. Why now.Why again. You know you’ve been here before, it is all too familiar. There is no denying the déjà vu.
You become acutely aware of a new crack. Sadly, it’s a crack in your soul; it tugs at you in all the wrong places. You feel the void. You can’t escape the taste the bitterness even if you tried. It contains you.

Irony of ironies is how emptiness can hurt, how nothingness can cause you pain.

Why again you wonder.
But is this really something you want to know. Will knowing the reason why make it go away? That’s what our futile minds believe in spite of ourselves.

I’ll save you the journey this time. The why lies in the profound meaning of a 4 syllable word we refer to as disappointment.

Oft expectation fails and most oft there
Where most it promises, and oft it hits
Where hope is coldest and despair most fits. ~ William Shakespeare

A Twist In Life

Life without hope is misery at its best. If there is nothing to make you want to get up in the morning; nothing to look forward to; everything you desire is beyond your reach; your dreams are fractured or lost. Sometimes you're the one that's lost. You have no idea what you want anymore, everything you love has gone away, you literally don't recognize what you have, you can't see it or appreciate it. You're confused, and wonder what you're really made of. What should you do, what should you become. Where do you go from here. Is there anywhere to go from here.You might try to look for answers. You might try to hide in the shadow. You deny what you feel, yet you feel you're drowning and there is no sign of shore.

Then life kicks in with its twisted sense of humor and offers us hope. It might come disguised. You don't see it. You can feel it though. You can even hear it. Just when you're determined to give up, to let go, to stop and admit you can't any longer, you hear a sound from some far away land whispering to you to try once more. The sound of hope. If you choose to listen to it, and find that strength inside you to try one more time, to swim your way out, you might make it to see the dawn.

Ah! I just spent amazing two hours laughing my heart out.

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ~ Jean Houston

The Grand Jigsaw Puzzle

It just dawned on me that it is hard to try and make sense of things at times. Making sense is difficult. Why you may ask? You think it's simple. Nothing to it, right?. We have our logic to rely on. We do. But it still is exhausting. It's troubling and complicated. And worst of all, you don't always make sense of it. You keep goin over and over thru whatever it is that's on ure mind. Your mind spends endless hours running around in circles, struggling to figure it out. Searching for a reason; to comprehend really.To know why. To touch upon some divine wisdom and understand. You think you got it, but.. But there's always something missing. It doesn't make sense!
All your thoughts are like small bits and pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. The grand jigsaw puzzle of life perhaps. But no one has all the pieces. Or the insight to know how to put them together. We try. We think we're smart. We think we know. We know how to put the interlocking pieces together, to make a picture of some sort. We pride ourselves on our impressive victory. We smile, we rejoice in our make-believe triumph. The pieces of the puzzle actually make sense; to our mediocre minds. We did manage to assemble the pieces. The challenge has beed resolved. In our minds we see a picture. Whatever it may be. The pieces fell in place and produced a collage. We try to relate to the collage in front of us. We relate by transforming the collage into something that exists in our world. Something we recognize.The collage becomes an image. We decide to make sense of that depiction. That's what it means. It makes sense. We understand what it means. It makes sense. We find relief in that revelation.
Little do we know of the reality of the grand jigsaw puzzle. The puzzle which holds our thoughts, our questions, our concerns, our worries, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our experiences, our awareness, our intellect - all in an infinite number of small oddly-shaped pieces. This puzzle might take a lifetime to complete.
No one has all the answers. As we go through the circle of life, we live and learn. We learn to interpret the pieces of the puzzle life presents for ourselves. It's our own way of making sense of things. Little do we realize, if we ever do, that it is only our own way.

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err. ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' ~ Charles M. Schultz

I've Been Thinking

I have at least 10,000 different thoughts goin thru my head. Seriously, I think too much. Don't we all? We're always thinking. There's always something on our minds. That thing that's been buggin u at work all day,why did so-and-so do/say that and what does that mean really, what gift to buy for ure friend's bday, what to wear on the katb ketab on the weekend, how to explain why you did what you did, whats gonna happen on the next episode of bla bla bla,why is the street not movin, whats with so-and-so's attitude, hmmm if only ....
See what I mean? It's like this massive spaghetti-like network of thoughts interwined and goin non-stop.

So I've been thinkin, why don't we have an off button? Yup, OFF button. A cute red one, or a cool black one for the guys. When we can stop our brain from thinking. It needs the rest. I sure do! Okai, if an off button is stretchin it, how about a pause then? A little pause, a time-out, a break and we get to enjoy a moment or two of shhhhh.. no thoughts cloudin our heads, no little voices in our heads, no one in our head. Not a thought, not a single idea, not even a half thought. And most certainly no one's face.
Now, wouldn't that be true peace of mind?
Maybe we can all think about that instead!

So while we wait around, wishfully hopin for the pause button to miraculously exist and ease our troubled little minds. Here are two quotes to ponder upon :

Life isnt supposed to make you feel good. Life isnt supposed to make you feel bad either. Life is supposed to make you feel ~Author Unknown

Life is simple, its just not easy. ~Author Unknown

"Sigh" You know what am thinkin right now? Isn't life beautiful!