On Paradise

What is paradise like? The most common notion is of a beautiful place, with lush greens, pristine blue skies, splendid landscapes, breath-taking scenery, gorgeous fields of flowers, shimmering riches and gold and so much more for the eyes and soul to feast on.  

A paradise is a genuinely perfect existence. That thought makes life fade away in comparison. The life we live – which is ugly and beautiful, sweet but sour, unfair and unkind but also remarkable and entertaining. Life is black and white, and all the colors of the rainbow.  It is absolutely everything we have, so why do we resent it?

Can we reach a state of paradise in our lives, or is that just an illusion?

Consider for a second that paradise is nowhere. Paradise is what you feel at a certain point in time. You can't go around looking for it as a place that exists somewhere in specific. Paradise is more something you feel at a certain time. It's in that moment.

Can we aim for a mental paradise? The state of mind to achieve, where we are not bound by frustrations, idiosyncrasies, self-made limitations, or even shattered dreams.

If we don't immediately say no

If we take a second before we speak our mind

If we look at people a tad different

If we look beyond the obvious

If we look at them with an unbiased eye; no judging, no stereotyping

If we know when to leave

If we know when to say little and when not to say anything at all

If we realize there is so much more beneath the dull surface

If we nudge that nagging feeling that scares us, and do it anyway

If we don’t fall prisoners to the past

If we silence the raging daemons in our heads

If we are open

There is a whole new world; waiting for us to experience. Full of new opportunities, and new dimensions to explore and learn from - about ourselves, about life, about others. There are new venues to take and endless possibilities, and also new mistakes and new interests to pursue. Every single new experience, even if small or trivial, adds meaning and depth to our own life.

If nothing else, it might lead us to recognize the fine line between living and being alive.

~ misteca

Inspired by these lyrics from the song Beached, by Orbital

Trust me
It's Paradise
This is where the hungry come to feed
For mine is a generation that circles the globe
in search of something we haven't tried before
so never refuse an invitation
never resist the unfamiliar
never fail to be polite
and never outstay your welcome

just keep your mind open and
suck in the experience
and if it hurts
you know what ...
it's probably worth it

Of Silence

I am wrapped in echoes of silence. Renowned as tranquil, in this particular moment the sound of silence is deafening. I attempt to escape but I am numb.

I close my heavy eyes trying to deceive my ears in earnest. If I cannot see, then perhaps this piercing loudness can wither away. I sigh. Like slow morning sunshine seeps into a room, I breathe in all the colors of life.  Though when I open my eyes, I see the colors blend into hues of black and white. Darkness has become my only sun. I wonder how can sunshine make me burn inside.

Suddenly a curtain descends in front of my eyes. It traps all of my senses. A wave of emotions crashes into me. I’m shattered into a million little pieces. Instinctively, I look around. Everything appears the same. Even though I realize it is all so different.

What I see in front of me is nothing I want to embrace.

I’m paralyzed.

Small incoherent thoughts begin to cloud my head.

What is this?

Why is this?

Why me?

Why now?

Why again?

When will it go away?

There’s a crack in my soul; it tugs at me in all the wrong places. I can feel the void. The taste of bitterness contains me. I’m drowning. My broken soul cannot drift to the distant shore of hope.

Irony of ironies is how emptiness can hurt, how nothingness can cause pain.

A cage of sadness traps my tears in words I cannot say.

I scream in silence. 

Never thought your love would take me here

Never thought you’d feel you must leave

Never thought your love would burn me

Never thought I’d lose the one thing I truly believe

~ misteca

Heart of Gold

If you sit back and remember
times that were lenient and tough,
You’ll find that the reality in your heart now
Was an old dream you were thinking of.

You’ll find that no matter how lonely you are inside
Your heart is still filled with love
and full of light through all these years
while your surface has dulled above.

When you think that all is gone,
there’s still another side
made up of nice feelings and emotions
that your beauty has managed to hide.

But have a look deep inside of you,
and though your looks may have gone cold
the inner sides are full of smiles,
and warmed with your heart of gold.

What you gained through memories of pain
is through your heart a tear,
& as you draw in your last breath,
you cool it to calm your fears.

You’re not alone, although many things you had are gone
Rubbed off from your surface & cheaply sold
Growing up is what it’s called.

No one knows that behind this obvious pain,
& dreams that calmly drove you insane,
There are still valuable remains
Of your broken heart of gold.
~ misteca

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all." ~ Emily Dickinson

Reflecting ...

Sitting here as 2008 comes to an end. A very highly anticipated end I must add. The chapter 2008 of our lives is finally closing, much to our great relief. It's like there is a universal agreement that this year will go down in history as one of the worst. I won't dwell on that. Everything has been said and done - in every scrutinizing way conceivable to man.

To sit and reminisce about the entire year. To mull over the past 365 days. Too many thoughts, too many incidents, and too many emotions. The setbacks, the difficulties and the breakthroughs. The dilemmas, the tragedies and the crises - personal, professional and global. To spice it up a little, add all the small - but remarkable nonetheless - victories, achievements and joys. Happy moments and moments of insane laugher as well. There is one thing I must admit about 2008: the year was definitely loaded, with more than its fair share of events!

2008 has been one hell of a year.

At this very moment, as I consciously sit and write about 2008 for me, I am feeling very reluctant. Why is December 31st the time to look back? The time to reflect. The time to make resolutions for the new year to come. As we kiss 2008 goodbye and welcome 2009 with arms cautiously wide open, why do we make lists of what we want to do and change and where we want to go (physically and metaphorically), knowing all too well that most of it will be dropped and forgotten by Valentine ?

What about decisions you've taken mid-way through the year and have meant something? What about revelations that do happen on a casual Sunday afternoon after a long day at work, after the battle with traffic and errands and the must-do and must-take phone calls? They are sometimes an eye-opener in every sense of the word.

I can ponder and I can contemplate. There is plenty to consider in 2008, but I find solace in a single reflection. Reflecting on the raging daemons that have surprisingly gone dormant, leaving behind a sense of calm. The feeling is almost surreal. Their noise is down to a whisper. Their shadows no longer block the sun and rain. Their toxic fumes won't cloud your judgment either. There is no 24/7 warp speed blur, just amazing exhilarating serenity.

I am fully aware they will wake up from this slumber, it's only the nature of their existence. That thought makes me smile. It's bizarre and disturbing, and what's even more alarming, I kind of know why. It is undeniably way too cliché. Way too cliché.

Come what may.

Disclaimer to any reader for feeling mushy, corny or nauseous right now. My most sincere apologies.

You Can Roar

"Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight, Stevens. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar. " ~ Richard Weber, Grey's Anatomy

Once again Grey's Anatomy totally blows me away. I am overwhelmed.

The wisdom in the character's dialogue is extraordinary. It is full of amazing insight. I marvel at how beautiful the words are structured, the sentences are designed, and just how exquisite it is all put together. There is a brilliant world of meanings in what they say, think, imply, or even ridicule. I find that incredible.

It's simple everyday conversations that take place in a teaching hospital between doctors - about practicing medicine, saving lives, juggling with life and death decisions, staying ahead of the game, and being better surgeons. It vividly portrays the inner lives of these people, the demons they fight, their conflicts, their emotional roller coaster rides, their ambition, their greed, their desire and every other possible emotion or feeling or thought they experience.

Okai. Let's not get astray here, and praise the moon and the stars. It is an award-winning American series. It's complete fiction. There is an entire team of production and talented scriptwriters to create those characters, the themes of the episodes, the story lines, the medical cases and every single word they utter, including all the smart and witty comments.

What I appreciate though is beyond the drama. I was only able to realize the beauty in it all when I took the time to step back for a moment and look at the picture as a whole. The picture I saw is a labyrinthine journey of life, very elegantly painted. A picture we can all relate to in our own way, as completely different as it may be, and at widely varying levels. We find and learn something; of ourselves, our anecdote, our turmoil, our individual version of life.

And in my own story, the quote at the beginning is a brand new definition for perseverance; taking one more breath, struggling yet hanging on strong and determined to try again, facing everyone and everything as you standup one more time. You persevere ... knowing you can roar.

Say No, No More

Beached. I think this song is deep. Never mind that it's from Di Caprio's The Beach movie! The song itself has substance. Music isn't bad either; it's perfect for a cruz or a long ride. You'll find yourself going with it. There's a certain mood for that kind of rythym.

Back to the song.
The song talks about paradise; about what paradise actually is, so to speak. Paradise is nowhere; paradise is what you feel at a certain point in time. You can't go around looking for it as a place that exists somewhere in specific. Paradise is more something you feel at a certain time. It's in that moment.

The song is really simple. No metaphors used, or pictures painted. No lyrics that make you gasp in awe 'how on earth did they say that so beautifully'. It's one of those WYSIWYG. Only this time it's what you hear, not see!
The reason am rambling about this song is this. It says something, in one verse. The kind of truth that stares you in the face, but you don't really see it. Then it hits you!

For bewildering reasons unknown to myself, it feels like now is the time to try new things, new experiences, no matter how minute or insignificant. This year 2008. Just go out there and do whatever.
Be open.
Because if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got.
We all know how that ended.

But if you don't immediately say no. If you take a second before you speak your mind. If you look at people a little different. If you look beyond the obvious. If you look at them with an unbiased eye; no judging, no stereotyping. If you know when to leave. If you know when to be polite and say little. If you realize there is so much more beneath the dull surface. If you nudge that nagging feeling that scares you, and do it anyway. If you take a breath and just try. If you just do it.

There is a whole new world; waiting for you to experience. Full of new opportunities. New dimensions to explore and learn from - about yourself, about life, about others. New venues to take, and endless possibilities. New mistakes. New interests to pursue. As small as they may all seem, every little one of those tiny new experiences holds so much more. They add meaning and depth to your own life. A richer life.

Just my 2 cents!

Trust me
It's Paradise
This is where the hungry come to feed
For mine is a generation that circles the globe
in search of something we haven't tried before
so never refuse an invitation
never resist the unfamiliar
never fail to be polite
and never outstay your welcome

just keep your mind open and
suck in the experience
and if it hurts
you know what ...
it's probably worth it

~ Beached by Orbital

Ode to a Signature

A signature. My signature. Right below my name. Not the typical bank signature. It doesn't even say my name. It's an online signature - the one you add at the end of your emails. I think it was 6 or 7 years ago when I put that signature.

I hardly use that particular email, so naturally I completely forgot about that signature, until a few days ago. I was about to send a mail and I saw it. It really made me stop for a second or two. It was overwhelming.

You know how a picture sometimes captures a rare moment in our lives. Beautiful moments, of times that were wonderful, we were happy, having fun, surrounded by people we love. A pictures tell a story, at times a story bigger than what we originally experienced. All credit to small details. A moment or two in ridiculous outfits, doing the stupidest of things, caught by surprise in the spur of the moment. They didn't say the picture paints a thousand words for no reason.

It's just that I also believe in the power of the written word. It possesses a unique quality of its own - to hold bits and pieces of ourselves, our thoughts, our minds at a certain time and age.

Dance as if no one is watching you,
Love as if you've never been hurt before,

Sing as if no one can hear you,
Live as if heaven is on earth

Those words made up my signature. Those were words I literally lived by. That was me. My outlook on life. I believed in the good, in sunshine, and in happiness. I wore a smile at all times. I believed in myself, in following my dreams, in doing what I want, enjoying the moment, and not paying attention to people who despise you.

After initially being dumbfounded when I read my signature words, I went 'yaaaaaaaaaa'. Then I kind of smiled, and memories kept flooding in. There were glimpses of myself, in another world, living a different life. There were faces I had forgotten, battles I no longer fought, jokes that still made me laugh, issues I find irrelevant now and music I can't bring myself to talk about. Then came a sigh, and whole new meaning to the phrase life will never cease to amaze me.

That's who I was, a person who's passionate about life and living. It is who I am right now. That's who I'll become.

Worth mentioning, those three are not remotely related.

There is a Land ...

There is a land, not so far away, which goes by the name Las Procrastinata. It's a beautiful land, with lush greens, rich landscapes, cool blue waters, breath-taking scenery, gorgeous bright sunflowers and so much more for the eyes and soul to feast on. Sounds like a haven. Perfect escape to soothe our troubled minds.

Actually, in this incredibly spectacular land, I am the Queen.
I have an unwavering passion to procrastinate, and I do it ever so creatively. I have the power and unwise wisdom to find endless ways to spend the day doing an infinite number of things.Totally meaningless things, which happen to be very amusing, entertaining, time-consuming and thought provoking. Everything aside from what I need to get done. It is very nourishing to the soul. Never mind the deadlines, the plans you already made, the decisions you really have to think over and well, make, or the reports you need to focus on to prepare. Every single one of those can wait. I am fully engaged in giving new meaning and a world of definitions to wasting time.
And I do have the nerve to plead not guily this time. I do admit, as a Queen, I have truly enjoyed every single indulgence. A clear head, surprisingly, gets things done. As a Queen, I need to ensure my sanity remains -in the chaotic, insane, moving-at-warp-speed-ride we call life.

In reality though, isn't it ironic ( and maybe even an absurd paradox of some sort) how our mind tricks us at these critical times and takes us to other lands, where our wild thoughts run free and breathe, totally carefree, totally oblivious to the price(s) we eventually have to pay?

"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." ~ Christopher Parker

A Natural High

i have a secret.
I've slept like a little over 3 hours in the past 2 days. Nooo! That's not my secret! You'd think I'd be red eyed by now. all blurry and dead tired, walking like a zombie.
am not.
that's my secret.
i was all up nite, last nite, on one major adrenaline rush. literally, every brain cell in my body was wide awake. yup major insomnia! didn't bother me one bit tho. it's like somehow all of a sudden everything fell right back in place. just about everything.
i could breathe. i could smile, and laugh from my heart. i chatted the nite away with a friend, rambling and pondering about a billion things in life. i could've screamed and danced too.
and i felt light. i was light and i was thrilled. i had all those feel good vibes. amazingly ecstatic vibes. the ones that get you excited like a 6 year old when he got that gift that makes his eyeballs pop out.
and i was smiling all nite long.
my smile. the one that really shines my face, and brightens me up all over.
i was me .. misteca! once again.

I was on a natural high. natural intoxication believe it or not.
3mla dema3' wahm bs mn 3'er 7aga khales.

So why is it again that people get stoned? am not judging; it's their brain cells not mine they're killing. rite?